Archive for July, 2010

10:01 AM

What looked to be a pain in my ass turned out to be kinda sweet.  Victoria is a damn-perty place.  Dig these pics and vids of my walk back to the boat:

1:26 PM

Back on the vomit torpedo.  The Captain warned the passengers this time “pop a pill or puke it up people, rough seas ahead.”  Most folks took the dose.  At 25 cents a pop, it’s a wise bet.  And the stank of puke is not assailing my nostrils.  We just hit a thick patch of fog and the horn is a’blasting. Assuming we don’t capsize and get gobbled up by orcas, I’ll be back in Seattle and loving land in a few hours.

It’s weird to be moving and not in the wheelhouse, controlling the vessel.  But it does allow me time to catch up on the tour journal, email and the like. So that is nice.

Never fear, Ill be rocketing across the highway soon. It’s a short jaunt down to Tacoma for a screening at the Grand with the Dockyard Derby Dames.  We got some good press for this one.  Both the Tacoma Weekly and the Weekly Volcano gave us some love:

Tacoma Weekly

Weekly Volcano

Monster thanks to Amanda and Stephan at the Victoria Event Centre, all the gals from the Eves of Destruction Roller Derby, Dominick from the Victoria International Film Festival and a super-big thanks to Kelly for her super-sweet hospitality.  She is fucking awesome!

Cash-wise, it worked out with a few bucks to spare. All in all, I escaped with a profit of about 12 bucks, Canadian.  I recouped almost all of my travel expenses with ticket sales and moved a few posters and DVDs to put myself in the black.  Not too shabby.  And I didn’t even get fist-fucked by customs this time.  What a treat!

It was day one in Portland, and I’ve been hanging out with old friends. Sit back and relax as Austin’s own PJ of PJ and the Bear fame serenades you from the sunflowers. Matt Drenick was there, too:

Other than that, I hung out with Rebstock a lot. I’d love to share stories and video of this occasion, but it has been seriously fucking recommended to me that I don’t. You probably think, “Oh, that’s just Chad doing his silly act…” don’t you? Trust me; I saw some fucked up shit….

11:47 PM

Holy shit, the Tacoma screening was badass.  The theater was packed.  I got there an hour late.  I thought the bugger started at 8:00, but when I arrived, I realized that the screening was already in progress.  But it worked out great.  I strolled in during the credits and Rocky Hardplace from the Dockyard Derby Dames helped me with the Q&A.  Rocky is a total badass.  We chugged beer after. Good times were had.

Help us spread the word!!! We have more screenings coming up and could use your help w/ promo:

Right before I left town on the bus today, I had the first official sighting of one of my friends from Austin out here on the road. It was Aaron “Honkey-Head” Wallace who came down and met me at Shorty’s for a couple of Pabst Blue Ribbons in my waning hours. He’s in Washington for a family reunion. I bet the heads at that thing would put a hat maker’s kids through college. There’s going to be more head at that reunion than there was in Deep Throat, the movie. I heard Skeletor isn’t going to the reunion because he’s jealous. Heads, it is…

The bus ride was four hours long, and there were only two stops where you had a chance to run into the nearest store. As you know, alcohol is strictly prohibited on the Greyhound, so you have to act quickly and fly under the radar if you want to get drunk on a bus ride. At the first store, the lady working the counter wouldn’t sell me any beer because she knew I was on the bus. She has just taken it upon herself to enforce the bus’ rules on people when they come into her store on break. I’ve never been so let down by society. At the second store, it was called “Holt’s Market”. Now that’s more fucking like it!

I was so inspired by Holt’s Market, and the fact that they would unquestioningly sell beer to people who came in during the bus stop, that I decided to turn my whole life around. Seriously, that’s actually what this whole trip was about, me getting my shit together and becoming something in life. I felt really uplifted and positive about everything after this stop, and haven’t looked back since. Except right here, about 10 minutes later in the bus lavatory, when I slammed a 24-ounce Keystone in a minute and a half on our way down I-5.

3:52 PM

I’m on a boat.  A boat decked out with the Union Jack.  Headed to Victoria, B.C., Canada.  Sure, it’s my own damn fault for not properly researching this wet leg of the trip, but it turns out that getting to Victoria is a huge pain in the ass.  It runs upwards of a few hundred bucks to drive/ferry to the island.  And to hoof it / hop a boat, it’ll still sting for the likes of 125 donuts.  So I dropped the scratch and walked my ass onto the boat.  And here I sit, in the hole already.  A best-case scenario has me breaking even tonight. If there are enough asses in seats and I can move some merch, that is.

Vancouver already took a forty-dollar bite out of my ass and now I’m in the red for an additional 125 just to get to Victoria.   Canada is really enjoying fucking with me, it seems.  On top of that, I’m stuck in Victoria for the night as there are no boats back until the morn.  I’m not sure where I’ll be crashing this eve, but I’ll toss out the nets and hope to reel in a couch, bed or floor to catch some zZzs on.  I’ll do what I can to make the best of it.  Maybe Victoria is a party-balls kinda place. Updates soon.

5:27 PM

The smell of vomit stings the nose-hairs. We hit a rough patch of water and half the boat went sheet-white, beaded-up with sweat and lost their lunch.  My lunch was a half a loaf of pecan-bread with a chunk of smoked cheese.  Not the most pleasant odor to burp-up considering the puke-stench wafting about, but so far, my gut is sitting tight.  The ship is filled with miserable-looking people heaving around.  Now I know what it must have been like to be on a slave ship.

10:05 PM

We got some killer press in Monday Magazine in Victoria:

I’m manning the box office right now.  The crowd ain’t huge, but they are digging the flicks.  I might have found a couch to sleep on.  We’ll see if the offer still stands after Total Badass finishes…

10:19 PM

The music form the dance club next door is loud as fuck.  Annoyingly so.  Distractingly so.

10:18 PM

Three old people just walked out of Total Badass. It’s about time!!!  I’ve been waiting for and expecting walk-outs. I can’t believe it took this long to happen.  I’m slightly offended that folks have not walked out sooner.  But now, I am relieved.


Two more walk-outs!  Derby gals this time.  Hehe…

10:55 PM

Another oldie walks-out!  We’re on a roll!!!  Not sure what the oldies were doing here… not to be prejudiced about age or nuthin…  maybe it’s just to late for them.  Or maybe the sight of Chad’s cock finally got to them.  It’s hard to tell.

12:12 AM

I met a super-nice and cute Victorian woman named Kelly who offered a place to crash.  We took a midnight stroll around the waterfront to her pad and had some fun.  That was nice!

Help us spread the word!!! We have more screenings coming up and could use your help w/ promo:


I drove around Seattle a bit before hitting the road to Port Orchard.

Dear Seattle, what the fuck kind of drugs was your city planner on when the streets were laid out?  I mean, I like a puzzle as much as the next sucker, but god damn, did Frank Gehry throw some spaghetti on the floor, draw a map of it and then you proceeded to pave the town in its likeness?

It’s my last night in Seattle until the show next Friday, as tomorrow I board a bus to go down to Portland and hang out with friends there. But first, here’s Brandon showing Heidi and I around his shop, The Palm Room.

Watch below for additional hot vid of Brandon in action:

11:01 PM

The drive to Port Orchard was nice.  The screening was pretty sweet too.  The Slaughter County Roller Vixens are awesome.  And some local derby Brats came out as well.  Port Orchard has a cool little park on the waterfront that has some of the spiniest rides around.  A little tea-cup thin that you stuff your ass into spins you like mad. I swear, it’s a perpetual motion spinning device that’ll fuck you up.  They even had a merry-go-round.  It was killer.

This is how all the houses in Port Orchard look.  It’s rad:

I drove back to Seattle and hit the sack.  I wanna extend a HUGE thanks to my sister-in-law, Heidi and my nephew Mars for their hospitality.  They’ve been hosting me for several days as I rampage across the PNW.  And their help has been invaluable.  Thanks!

Help us spread the word!!! We have more screenings coming up and could use your help w/ promo:

Here’s some press for our upcoming SF stop:


Hey Vancouver, you are beautiful.  I like you quite a bit.  However, considering that on my last visit, nine years ago, my truck was burglarized by junkies and the window smashed (resulting in me driving all over town in the rain and getting a Canadian widow in my Japanese truck… fucking Frankenstein truck now, Canada) and this time I got a parking ticket for parking in a lot that had not fucking sign saying that you had to pay.  No sign, no numbered parking spaces.  Nothing.  And now you insist on forty bucks?  Fuck you.

Here are some more vids and pics of my time in Vancouver:

They have brass balls in Vancouver, but no sex:

Other than that, I had a fucking blast.  Oh yeah, Vancouver, your hotels are expensive as shit.

Driving back to the US of A.  We’ll see what kinda harassment we get from the border crossing heading home.  I did remove the “Tips, Gas Money & Drugs” sign from the merch case. See, I can still learn.

Just made it back into America.  America, Fuck Yeah!  That was a cake-walk.

The Bellingham screening was pretty fun. Nice town too.  The turnout was healthy and the Q&A snappy. Back to Seattle to crash now. Thanks to the Bellingham Roller Betties for their help with this one.  It was smooth and a nice welcome back to the USA for me.

Went to see The Mariners vs. The Red Sox today, fuck yeah. I couldn’t get anyone to go with me, because there are a lot of sports haters up here. In fact, take a look at this public art plastered up as you walk into Safeco Field:

Safeco Field was nice, though. Check it out if you like:

You may be wondering how I’m surviving up here, having been abandoned by Bob for a week. It’s been simple, really. I’m staying at someone’s house and eating food that people leave laying around the city.

Here I am eating a forsaken grilled cheese sandwich at Hattie’s Hat and then dining on leftover seafood at Safeco Field in two subsequent videos:

Help us spread the word!!! We have more screenings coming up and could use your help w/ promo:

1:13 PM
Checked out a lot of Seattle today… Had Lake Jackson’s own Burgandy Viscosi show me around in the daytime:

I loved walking around in Seattle. Feel free to look at this girl I filmed playing the fiddle in the street. I think they call them “violins” up here. The fiddles, I mean…

Burgandy turned me on to this badass bar in Belltown called Shorty’s. They have a shitload of pinball in there, and I’ve filmed all the machines for the Jim Isaacsses and Adam Reposas of the world, not to mention the Scott Fondrens and Mike Marquardtses.

Then, that night, it was more partying up in Ballard with Heidi and her friends. Here are The Basements doing a song at a place called The Tractor, where Austin’s own Lauren Fogel used to work. They still talk about her up here…

3:47 PM

The drugs were supposed to be removed from the car.  Chad’s dirtweed was supposed to go with Chad.  My sweet leaf was supposed to be dumped at my Seattle crash-pad.  That was the plan.  When a doper like Chad rides shotgun, you never really know what kinda drugs can fall off of him like a landslide of dandruff and end up scattered all over the crevices of the vehicle.  Shit tends to migrate on a road trip.  That’s the fear.  A cleanse was had, but is it enough.  Where the fuck did that pill roll off too?  Was there a joint that went astray?  Let’s find out.  Hello Canadian border.  Hello thorough inspection of every inch of the car and its contents.

And they gave it their best shot.  They tore through my shit like a tornado raping a trailer park.  Fucking every inch of it.

But someone forgot to tell the Mounties that the drugs were back in the states.  So once they finished tearing the car apart in search of the mind huggers, they proceeded to prod my every nook and cranny.  I guess I finally got that anal probing the Roswell promised but never delivered on.  Thanks, Canada.

Speaking of, did I already mention that I got laid before Chad did on this road trip?

But back to Canada: the fucker doing the searching was bummed that he came up empty handed.  So he decided to lecture me about the little note in the merch case.  The note that pleads for “Tips, Gas Money & Drugs.”

Merch Case

At one point Canadian bacon/cop grilled me about smoking weed “it’s okay of you do, but did you bring any?” Followed by a long pause and the hairy eyeball as he attempted to break me with his twitchy gaze.

No dice. The fucker was diceless.  So I made it to Vancouver.  And holy shit, the Vancouver screening was killer.   Terminal City Rollergirls showed up!  Check out the line:

And dig this huge-ass crowd:

The Q&A was kick ass.  And I’ve been commissioned by Terminal City Rollergirls with a message to relay to the derby gals in Victoria: hey, Eves of Destruction Roller Derby, the Terminal City Rollergirls think that their team, the Faster Pussycats, will be whipping up on you in an upcoming bout.  So what do ya think of that?

Speaking of, super-big thanks to the Terminal City Rollergirls and to Alex, Chris Coralline and Alicia at the Rio.  They are a killer bunch and plied me with beer and love.

Here are some clips from the drive to and my time in Vancouver:

Some Press:

Help us spread the word!!! We have more screenings coming up and could use your help w/ promo:

July 26 Victoria, BC @ Victoria Event Centre
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Eves of Destruction Roller Derby
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray

July 27 Tacoma, WA @ The Grand Cinema
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Dockyard Derby Dames

July 29 Portland, OR @ Clinton St. Theater
7:00 Hell on Wheels with CrashToons
*sponsored by Rose City Rollers
9:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt

July 30 Seattle, WA @ Central Cinema
7:00 Total Badass with CrashToons
*with filmmaker Bob Ray and Chad Holt